Premature ejaculation is the most common male sexual dysfunction in the Western world. We know this because so many men are seeking help from their doctors or from online fora on the Internet. In fact, it is the availability of information on the Internet that has led to the problem being widely acknowledged and discussed in a way that is free of shame and embarrassment.
To be more accurate, it’s fairly reasonable to assume that men discussing premature ejaculation on an Internet forum are free of shame around PE and embarrassment in male company, but they may be less willing to discuss the subject with their female partners.
The truth is, that whilst men may think premature ejaculation is a problem while making love, and even laugh and joke about it with their friends, possibly going as far as to ask for advice, the truth is that when it comes to sex, the old behavior is still dominant.
By that I mean that men lack the communication skills, or perhaps the willingness to discuss the subject, that would enable them to talk about it with their female partner. The irony of this, of course, is that premature ejaculation is a subject that you absolutely need to discuss with your female partner, since a remedy for the problem is only available with her assistance. There is a role for women in curing premature ejaculation.
This may come as a blow to some men who think that it is possible to cure the problem by themselves, without the help of a sexual partner. It may be possible to go some way towards a cure, but what I can guarantee you, based on experience garnered over 12 years of working with men who have this problem, is that for a complete solution you will only be able to practice complete control of your ejaculation with a sexual partner.
Now when I say that you may be able to do some of the practice yourself, what I mean by that is you might be able to gain some experience in ejaculatory control through using a technique that involves masturbating to the point of orgasm and then stopping.
In fact, probably almost all men who have tried to cure premature ejaculation will have heard of this technique. Does it work? Well, the answer is not so simple. It does work, but I think, judging by the reactions of men who’ve spoken to me about their attempts to use this technique, that what tends to happen is that men will start to masturbate using pornography, say, as stimulation, they’ll become very aroused, and then they won’t be able to control the urge to carry on to the point of ejaculation.
Practicing Control Of Ejaculation With Masturbation
And here’s the critical thing! As with so many objectives of human behavior and goal setting, clear intention is everything. When I say it’s everything, perhaps I’m exaggerating — it may be only 50% of the battle to cure premature ejaculation!
But certainly intention is extremely important, because without the intention, you won’t have the motivation, and without the motivation, you won’t have the self-discipline to do what is necessary to control your ejaculation.
So does it work? Yes, because the technique touches on the mechanism by which men become aroused and reach the point of ejaculation and orgasm.
As you may know, the male sexual response cycle (just like the female sexual response cycle) involves four stages of gradually increasing arousal leading to ejaculation, then a plateau phase and then what is known as “resolution” – what we call the refractory period when further ejaculation is not possible.
The point of no return, the point of ejaculatory inevitability, as it’s generally known, is the point at which the man’s reflex ejaculation is triggered, and at this point ejaculation becomes inevitable, regardless of what is happening around him or whether he wishes it to occur or not.
You can see that men who ejaculate without control, and in the case of some men this may be as soon as they see a naked woman, before they’ve even penetrated her, two things are happening: first of all he is becoming far too aroused far too quickly, so that his ejaculation reflex is triggered much too soon for either his or his partner’s satisfaction. You can read more about this in Ejaculation by Command by Lloyd Lester.
Also, he’s probably unaware of how aroused he is, so that his approach to the point of no return is not only to quick, it’s also unexpected.
Clearly, therefore, two things need to happen for a man to gain greater ejaculatory control: the first is that he must know how aroused he is at any time so that if he is approaching the point of no return he can take some kind of action to slow down the rate of increase in his arousal and hence delay his arrival at the point of ejaculation.
Secondly, he must be able to assess, without even thinking about it, because that would be a distraction during intercourse, how near or far away he is from the point of no return — which in practice means that he must know how aroused he is.
Now if you’re a man who hasn’t got premature ejaculation (rather unlikely because you wouldn’t be reading this if that were the case!) you’re probably quite astounded by reading this.
What Is The Nature Of Ejaculation Control?
Many men who I’ve spoken to about this who do have good ejaculatory control cannot understand what goes wrong for a man who has rapid ejaculation problems.
To men with complete control, it’s a given that they can always tell how aroused they are, and they know when they are approaching the point of orgasm through the sensations in their body. And that’s the key to what’s going on here: men with rapid ejaculation problem are out of touch with their bodies, and they’re generally not experiencing feedback or sensations from their body that allow them to make judgement about how aroused they are.
Now in my experience as a sex therapist, what I know to be true is that men who are out of touch with their bodies are generally those who have had an upbringing where sensation, feeling, and one’s own experience have been shut down or denied to some degree. And the reason for that is generally because as children, they were not respected, their opinions were not valued, their feelings were denied, or regrettably, they were subject to abuse of one kind or another. You can see how this plays out with delayed ejaculation issues in the videos here.