Reflections On Sex 2

Alice was twenty-six when she married. Her home was a very religious one, but her parents had given her a sound sex education. She did not have intercourse prior to marriage, but she had experienced sexual orgasm during masturbation, and she could thus become excited by the thought of intercourse and was eager for marriage.

When Alice was twenty-four, she became engaged. She believed she was deeply in love. She had exciting kissing nd petting sessions, but, because of her religious background, she was consistent in her refusal to have intercourse before marriage.

Two weeks before the scheduled nuptials were to take place, Alice’s fiancé convinced her that they ought to discover each other sexually before marriage as a sort of “insurance” that all would go well in the marriage. Alice was reluctant at first, but finally agreed with some misgivings…

As the moment approached, Alice panicked. She was quite unready for intercourse at this stage in the relationship, but she feared that if she did not give in, her fiancé would think less of her and perhaps leave her altogether.

In the end, she was completely unable to respond because of her anxiety, and the more her fiancé tried to arouse her, the less she wanted him. At the moment of actual intercourse, she began to cry with fear and guilt. Her fiancé forced her to have sex and the pain she felt emotionally expressed itself physically.

She cried out in anguish. Her fiancé tried to control his premature ejaculation, but ejaculated prematurely anyway, and both of them were deeply repelled by the entire ordeal. The fiancé was so distraught, as a matter of fact, that he refused to marry her. Looking back on the experience, of course, Alice thought that the broken engagement was all for the best. She came to view her ex-fiancé as an immature and inadequate person.

Two years later, she married another young man, but even then she could not bring herself to respond fully to him. He enjoyed intercourse, but she did not. This made her husband feel inadequate and guilty and he sought the reason for her lack of response. Alice faced a dilemma. Should she tell or shouldn’t she? She summoned her courage and decided to risk the mature gesture.

Her husband understood fully. As the months went on, he helped Alice, gently but persuasively, to forget the previous experience and to begin to live the present one vigorously and without fear. His patience was rewarded.

In a matter of months, Alice looked on herself and her body with more understanding and began to feel that sex with her husband—the man she truly loved—not only could not be wrong or unclean in any of its manifestations, but was actually a joy that would permeate their entire life together.

Feelings of Unresponsive Women

Of course, many women refuse to think deeply about their problems or to spend time in self-analysis. As a result, they do not find their way to release from sexual tensions. What reservations and anxieties do such women feel? These can be classified because they are universal, just as the solutions are universal.

In addition, there are feelings of disappointment. “What’s so wonderful about this?” she asks herself. “It’s not like the books say at all! It’s not ecstasy, but really quite uncomfortable.” And there are still other feelings that intrude:

“He’s starting, now. Oh, dear.” “He’s taking all the covers off.” “The sheet is wrinkled; it’s uncomfortable … “It’s too hot, I hate getting all sweaty.” “That light bothers me. Why can’t he turn it off . . .” “Someone will hear us.” “He doesn’t care about me, he’s concerned only with his own pleasure. . . ” “He did it last night. Does he have to do it every night?” “I’ll never get my rest . . .”

Now, take a deep breath and sit back. How many of those sentences produced a flash of recognition in you? How many times did you say, “That’s the way I feel.” Once? Twice?

That does not at all mean that you are sexually unresponsive, or anorgasmic. Does that truly apply to every woman who is unable to respond in sexual intercourse?

No, it does not. It is a word much too loosely used. Psychiatrists tell us that a woman in this position is one whose past experiences have conditioned her against sexual expression so deeply and completely repressed that she will need psychotherapeutic help to unlock the door to her difficulties.

What then shall we call the woman whose childhood sexual experiences were unpleasant enough to cause her simply to close down sexually? We might simply call her unresponsive. The past negative experiences she has “forgotten” are not deeply buried, but are still having their effects on her, making her unable to respond, no matter how she consciously wishes that she could, to normal sexual activity.

Fortunately, if you have had difficulty in achieving sexual response the chances are that you can do a good bit towards helping yourself. Then, if you need it would be sensible to seek professional advice from a qualified marriage counselor, or a sympathetic and understanding therapist.

How much can you do, if you are an unresponsive woman, to free yourself from whatever blocks your past experiences may have imposed on you? 

Earlier, I likened your past experiences to a kind of mental and emotional memory film, which it might be possible for you to re-run for yourself so that you could re-edit the experiences that had gone to shape your attitudes about sex—some attitudes that you are well aware of and some that you probably don’t even know you have ! Techniques like EFT, hypnotherapy, counseling and Tantra can help here. 

Reflections On Sex

Sex, the Hub of Marriage

The person who has not attempted some self-assessment from time to time is a bad marital risk. For marriage consists not of one, but of many demands, some light, some heavy, some trivial, some profoundly important. Like the radiating spokes of a wheel, most of these demands spring from and return to the hub of the marriage itself. This hub is the sexual relationship.

Attitudes, values, decision-making and most other aspects of marriage are colored by the climate of marital sex. Even money problems can become related to sex.

A young husband who feels unsure of himself and whose masculinity is threatened because he cannot seem to help his wife respond to him, unconsciously may try to bolster his masculinity with another woman. But meeting difficulties head-on is much more constructive than attempting to avoid them. In meeting them, we discover how we measure up ourselves. If you fail to know yourself well, the chances for sexual happiness in marriage are decreased greatly.

We all know people who impress us with their quiet sense of power. They seem to have infinite capacity for doing things. They are not frightened or stampeded by life, by difficulties, by tragedies, by marriage, by the challenges that marriage entails. They seem so stable and so sure that it seems as if nothing could upset them. They yearn to have made a great peace between themselves, the world, God and the demands that are made upon them.

We are apt to envy these people, but there isn’t one of us who could not approach the same state of stability and deep satisfaction. Within each of us there are the resources. The key question is, will we find them and use them?

Lack of sexual desire

“I can’t reach orgasm.” How often have I heard these words!

They come from women desperate because they feel that they are missing something vital to their lives. Either they have read considerably on the subject, or other women have related the wonders of their own experience. At any rate, the woman who rarely if ever experiences orgasm feels unfulfilled—and rightly so.

When a woman tells me that this is her problem, I ask a good many questions. At times, I get an adequate explanation, at other times, I get no answers that are helpful. At any rate, I fit in what the woman says about herself with information from similar cases, and I form a mental picture of what might have happened to her to make her unable to respond as her body was meant to respond.

Are Husbands to Blame for Anorgasmia?

Some women reading this may, at one time or another, have been anorgasmic. But successful sexual love is not a matter of tricks and techniques. Some factors are at work which have little to do with what the husband does or says, his approach in love-making or his attitudes towards it. They stem from the woman herself, and particularly from the woman’s upbringing.

However, let us not forget that if men don’t learn how to delay ejaculating during sex, they can deprive their partners of enjoyable intercourse and sometimes the possibility of orgasm. Find out more about how men can give satisfaction to a woman here. 

Why Some Women Are Unresponsive

Conditioning from birth is the factor which most often results in a woman’s believing she is not sexual. There are many experiences in childhood that can make a woman block off sex later on. They make women put the brakes on sexual desire, experience and satisfaction. For such women, there is a climate of fear, insecurity and dread concerning the whole subject of sex, and these are the women who may be anorgasmic or sexually unresponsive at one time or another in their lives.

Overcoming Sexual Unresponsiveness

It might be said that your past experiences make a sort of mental and emotional film of your life. It would be wonderful, of course, if you could really treat your life as if it were a film, for then you could reverse the film, run it backward, so to speak, the way we rewind film, and then cut, edit and do retakes on all the big and little experiences that shaped your attitudes towards sex. This would be a truly helpful miracle to accomplish.

The happy result of this would be you, just as you are now, but with one big difference: you would have a warm, natural, happy and comfortable feeling about sex. It’s not impossible to do, especially with the help of a good therapist, and I know of several women who have gone far towards solving their sexual problems by “rewinding” and observing their own life’s film. They were sensitive to the need to help themselves and their husbands, and they accomplished the task pretty much by themselves.

There was the case of Ann, aged twenty-four when she married. Ann had been told over and over by her parents that “nice girls” did not permit boys to touch them – ever. All during her dating and courtship years, she followed her parents’ rigid advice. No boy had ever even kissed her. Whenever one tried, she stiffened up, resisted and often broke into tears. Usually the boy left her alone thereafter. When Ann married, therefore, she thought she was “completely pure”.

When, in the normal course of events, her husband tried to make love to her, the experience was so strange and so alien to her that she was utterly unable to respond. She balked at his lovemaking, telling him she was especially shy. Weeks of this sort of thing stretched into months and Ann’s husband, understandably, became desperate.

One day, she broke down and told him of her rigid upbringing and of the “no sexual play” edict that she had followed all too scrupulously. Fortunately, Ann’s husband was understanding and patient. He got her to talk about her past experiences, about her parents’ negative attitude about sex and her own feelings about it. Then, slowly, he began to explore her body—with her. Sensitive to her needs, he did not rush things. Intercourse at first was painful for her.

Gradually, however, Ann came to understand the root of her difficulty. Gradually, she accepted more and more of her husband’s lovemaking. Certainly, there were tense moments. Certainly, there were tears on Ann’s part and disappointment mingled with joy on both their parts.

But in a little more than a year, Ann and her husband were progressing well toward a full and genuinely rewarding sexual life together. Her genuine desire to edit the film of her early experience in the light of her marital needs was the catalytic agent that brought success.

 

Delayed & Premature Ejaculation

Conversely, ejaculation is a reflex response that is triggered by repetitive pleasurable physical contact to the penis and sexually sensitive nerve endings elsewhere in the body.

For those who are interested, one suggestion is that when sexual arousal reaches a near-climactic point, the emission of semen close to the farthest point of the the urethra concentrates the pressure at the root of the penis, and this unleashes a a whole series of physical responses including flexing of the pubococcygeal muscle.

Ejaculation is governed by the involuntary nervous system, while sexual arousal is purely a function of the voluntary nervous mechanism.

Video: What Is Premature Ejaculation?

Delayed Ejaculation

Delayed ejaculation has been known to the medical profession for years now, and the terminologies commonly used to identify this peculiar function probably represents in some part, the scientific community’s evolving attitude to the condition: ejaculatory incompetence, ejaculatory over-control, retarded ejaculation, and finally delayed ejaculation.

The evolving nomenclature is illustrative of, at least in my mind, a slowly increasing level of respect for the men whose sex lives are diminished by their inability to ejaculate in a timely way during sex.

The thing that’s particularly puzzling to researchers is that most of these men are able to ejaculate without any apparent difficulty when they are pleasuring themselves.

This fact has given rise to the belief that there may be many relationship issues associated with failure to achieve orgasm and ejaculate in the course of engaging in sex. However, one must be a little bit skeptical when seeking an explanation in the dynamics between a couple.

There’s strong reason to suggest that the failure to ejaculate even when a partner performs fellatio on him, during actual sex involving genital penetration, or through direct manual stimulation by a partner, could only mean that there’s nothing in these activities that can compare to the higher level of pleasure that a man may have learned to apply to his own penis in the act of masturbating and imagining the sexual act.

Certainly, any man can get physically accustomed to response to a specific intensity of stimulation, so it’s always wise to initially find out whether or not the delayed ejaculation issue simply lies in the fact that the man by himself, can perform harsh, rough, or high-frequency pressure during self stimulation, in a way that is not simulated during sexual intercourse with a partner.

If the problem is, in fact, caused by a simple incompatibility in techniques, the cure will be in the form of retraining the body, the sex organ and the mind, to acquiesce to much more gentle pleasuring of the kind that can result to an orgasm during sexual activity.

Needless to say, counsellors and sex therapists often take the view that the internal dynamics is the real cause of delayed ejaculation.

Quite frankly, there’s sufficient basis for this assumption. In my years of working as a counsellor, I’ve met sex partners who have become increasingly hostile to each other and have diminished intimacy to such a degree that the male no longer enjoys sex, and sees it as a burden, whilst simultaneously finding himself unable to communicate with his partner and begin a rational dialogue to find a mutually acceptable solution to these difficulties.

And even if there isn’t hostility, antagonism, or any other emotion on the part of the man towards the woman, there is, as some studies show, a specific kind of individual who is predisposed to delayed ejaculation.

Sidebar: Video – What Is Delayed Ejaculation?

As often mentioned in scientific literature, this individual profile is quite likely a person who is somehow detached from his personal process of sexual pleasure, who frequently is unaware of how aroused he is while doing sexual intercourse, who often considers sex with his partner as a duty that he needs to perform, who considers his partner’s gratification during the act as his own responsibility, and who believes that the woman’s pleasure must be considered first and is the the most important part of sex.

These men generally, whether intentionally or not, perceive themselves as the “workhorse of sex”, thrusting rhythmically (sometimes to no avail) to steer sex to a satisfying conclusion.

An important factor in this arrangement is that the majority of the partners of men with this condition tend to be somewhat passive when it comes to sex, and have an expectation that the male is somehow obligated to bring them sexual pleasure. In fact, they should be without a doubt responsible for their own orgasm.

In such cases, it’s clearly imperative to help and re-educate the sex partners and make available some actionable sexual information. Coached in such a way, the couple’s expectations and attitudes around sex and erotic pleasure are steered closer to reality.

Furthermore, it has been observed that males who have this type of personality profile generally lack solid grasp of their own gradations of arousal. Often there appears to be a degree of gap, or even a void, in their sexual maturity, in such a way that they have come to associate their internal mechanism of sexual arousal with the outside dynamics of having sexual activity with a partner.

To put these observations in a workable perspective, their own erotic world somehow doesn’t serve as a source of sexual stimulus and gratification: they are left in a sort of sexual uncertainty where they are trying to engage in sex minus all the basic emotional and physiological tools that are important for the sex act to be a pleasurable and mutually satisfying exercise.