Alice was twenty-six when she married. Her home was a very religious one, but her parents had given her a sound sex education. She did not have intercourse prior to marriage, but she had experienced sexual orgasm during masturbation, and she could thus become excited by the thought of intercourse and was eager for marriage.
When Alice was twenty-four, she became engaged. She believed she was deeply in love. She had exciting kissing nd petting sessions, but, because of her religious background, she was consistent in her refusal to have intercourse before marriage.
Two weeks before the scheduled nuptials were to take place, Alice’s fiancé convinced her that they ought to discover each other sexually before marriage as a sort of “insurance” that all would go well in the marriage. Alice was reluctant at first, but finally agreed with some misgivings…
As the moment approached, Alice panicked. She was quite unready for intercourse at this stage in the relationship, but she feared that if she did not give in, her fiancé would think less of her and perhaps leave her altogether.
In the end, she was completely unable to respond because of her anxiety, and the more her fiancé tried to arouse her, the less she wanted him. At the moment of actual intercourse, she began to cry with fear and guilt. Her fiancé forced her to have sex and the pain she felt emotionally expressed itself physically.
She cried out in anguish. Her fiancé tried to control his premature ejaculation, but ejaculated prematurely anyway, and both of them were deeply repelled by the entire ordeal. The fiancé was so distraught, as a matter of fact, that he refused to marry her. Looking back on the experience, of course, Alice thought that the broken engagement was all for the best. She came to view her ex-fiancé as an immature and inadequate person.
Two years later, she married another young man, but even then she could not bring herself to respond fully to him. He enjoyed intercourse, but she did not. This made her husband feel inadequate and guilty and he sought the reason for her lack of response. Alice faced a dilemma. Should she tell or shouldn’t she? She summoned her courage and decided to risk the mature gesture.
Her husband understood fully. As the months went on, he helped Alice, gently but persuasively, to forget the previous experience and to begin to live the present one vigorously and without fear. His patience was rewarded.
In a matter of months, Alice looked on herself and her body with more understanding and began to feel that sex with her husband—the man she truly loved—not only could not be wrong or unclean in any of its manifestations, but was actually a joy that would permeate their entire life together.
Feelings of Unresponsive Women
Of course, many women refuse to think deeply about their problems or to spend time in self-analysis. As a result, they do not find their way to release from sexual tensions. What reservations and anxieties do such women feel? These can be classified because they are universal, just as the solutions are universal.
In addition, there are feelings of disappointment. “What’s so wonderful about this?” she asks herself. “It’s not like the books say at all! It’s not ecstasy, but really quite uncomfortable.” And there are still other feelings that intrude:
“He’s starting, now. Oh, dear.” “He’s taking all the covers off.” “The sheet is wrinkled; it’s uncomfortable … “It’s too hot, I hate getting all sweaty.” “That light bothers me. Why can’t he turn it off . . .” “Someone will hear us.” “He doesn’t care about me, he’s concerned only with his own pleasure. . . ” “He did it last night. Does he have to do it every night?” “I’ll never get my rest . . .”
Now, take a deep breath and sit back. How many of those sentences produced a flash of recognition in you? How many times did you say, “That’s the way I feel.” Once? Twice?
That does not at all mean that you are sexually unresponsive, or anorgasmic. Does that truly apply to every woman who is unable to respond in sexual intercourse?
No, it does not. It is a word much too loosely used. Psychiatrists tell us that a woman in this position is one whose past experiences have conditioned her against sexual expression so deeply and completely repressed that she will need psychotherapeutic help to unlock the door to her difficulties.
What then shall we call the woman whose childhood sexual experiences were unpleasant enough to cause her simply to close down sexually? We might simply call her unresponsive. The past negative experiences she has “forgotten” are not deeply buried, but are still having their effects on her, making her unable to respond, no matter how she consciously wishes that she could, to normal sexual activity.
Fortunately, if you have had difficulty in achieving sexual response the chances are that you can do a good bit towards helping yourself. Then, if you need it would be sensible to seek professional advice from a qualified marriage counselor, or a sympathetic and understanding therapist.
How much can you do, if you are an unresponsive woman, to free yourself from whatever blocks your past experiences may have imposed on you?
Earlier, I likened your past experiences to a kind of mental and emotional memory film, which it might be possible for you to re-run for yourself so that you could re-edit the experiences that had gone to shape your attitudes about sex—some attitudes that you are well aware of and some that you probably don’t even know you have ! Techniques like EFT, hypnotherapy, counseling and Tantra can help here.